10 January 2007

The Church, Martijn and me

And here I am yet again, only one day after my last update. Not as soon as I expected actually, usually there is more time between my posts.

This afternoon I finally brought my bicycle to the bicycle-repair-man (no idea what that’s called in English). It’s gonna cost me a lot of money to have my bike repaired, but it does mean I can ride it again, which is very good. After that I went to the post office to pick up a package with the pictures I had ordered via the Internet.

Then I went to the Brothers of Saint John. I had a regular meeting where we discussed the catechism as preparation for my Holy Communion and Confirmation. Nothing extraordinary happened until about halfway through the lesson. He told me he had to tell me something delicate. He told me I am not allowed to take the Holy Communion and be confirmed until after I am married. At this moment I am living together with Martijn, but we’re not married yet, and we don’t have any specific plans to get married really soon. We first want to move to a bigger house, because we really need more space. After that we will save money for a wedding, but that will take at least two/three years.

I was very put off by this news. I have always known that the church is against people living together while not being married, but no one has ever told me that I am not allowed to take the communion while I’m not married. I know it makes sense and I might have guessed it, but if I had known it up front, I wouldn’t have tried to go to church. I wouldn’t have sought the guidance. It’s all useless now anyway.

I’m not sure what I’m gonna do now. I don’t think I want to go to mass anymore. It’s pretty useless. The church doesn’t want me around, because I’m a sinner, so why should I attend mass? It’s not like I will do the First Communion any time soon. I can read the Bible at home and I will download a sermon somewhere to listen to. I suppose I shouldn’t receive a blessing either since I’m living in sin. I’m not sure what to do with the youth group and with the lessons this Brother is giving me. I’m not sure I will continue with those.

I want to make one thing clear. I am not angry with God. I’m only very angry with the Church and with the rules they have set. I mean, I have a healthy, good relationship with Martijn. I am faithful to him and he is faithful to me. The only difference is that we haven’t promised to stay together for the rest of our lives yet, while it already feels like we have. It feels very much like God has blessed our relationship the way it is now. For the first time in a long time I am happy and I have peace of mind now that I live with Martijn.

Martijn is also very upset about this. It makes him feel like I have to choose between him and the church, and in a sense that’s true. But I have made my choice. I just don’t know what steps to take next. *sigh* Why does life have to take away the good things from me?


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