27 December 2006


Here’s a really short update from me. As you can see, all my stuffed children are doing fine. The red nose on the left is of course our Christmas friend Rudolph. As for me, I don’t really know how I feel. I mean, I feel fine, but the news of my father still hasn’t hit me yet. It just doesn’t sink in. I have had many days off the last couple of weeks. I have worked only 2 days and I have spent a lot of time asleep and playing Guild Wars. Tomorrow I’ll have to start working again. I’m not really looking forward to that, but I don’t really have a choice. I might tell you some more about the funeral and the memorial service some other day. Now I just have to get to bed really quickly. I’m still alive.

12 December 2006

My father

This is probably the hardest message I have ever had to post on this blog, but I have to do it. Yesterday when I came home from work Martijn guided me up the stairs and told me there were two people waiting for me. There were two police officers waiting for me. When I saw them I asked Martijn: “Is it my family or is it yours?” He didn’t answer me and told me to sit down. He then told me that my father was found dead in his house that morning and that it was an unnatural death.

Later that evening we went to Almere where my father lived. Martijns father and partner brought us by car there. A police detective waited for us there at the hospital. Then I went in a room and my father was there. I was there with Martijn and I said a prayer for my father there. I can’t describe him right now.

Afterwards we went to the police station where the police detective told me that my father didn’t show up for work that morning. The hospital where he worked didn’t trust it and called the police who went in the house and found my father. He probably has injected himself with insulin and took some alcohol to calm down a bit or to sleep well. My father worked in a hospital as an ICU nurse, so it was easy for him to obtain insulin. I also gave a statement to the police detective about any recent contacts I had had with my father. His last e-mail to me was that he was jealous of me that I had been to the Christina Aguilera concert. He had wanted to be there as well.

I really don’t know why he ended his own life. He didn’t have a perfect marriage with his new wife, it was more for her residence permit, but I didn’t think he was this depressed about it. I know suicides are usually done instantaneously and egoistically. This one probably was. The only problem is that men do it right when they want to commit suicide. Women usually take less invasive methods, but since my father was a nurse, he knew how to do it right. I didn’t see this coming and I am very sad that he thought this was his only way out. He wasn’t a religious man, but I will pray for him. I want to ask you who read this to also pray for his soul and for me a bit as well. I think I will need it. I had to write this on my blog, because my father used to be one of the most frequent visitors of my blog. He checked in almost every day, or at least every other day. This is the first post I know for sure he’s never going to read and that hurts.

05 December 2006

Edward, Blog, Essay

Yes, as you can see, I am proud to present a new member of our family. Another teddy bear, I hear you say? Nope, this isn’t just a teddy bear. This is a very special teddy bear. One who is special on this inside, and doesn’t just look cute and cuddly and soft. This teddy bear is microwavable. It has grain inside so I can heat it in the microwave and this bear will stay warm for about 2 hours. And the best thing is that he is filled with lavender, so I can sleep very well with him :-) I actually thought he was a girl when I bought him, so I tried to figure out a female name for him, but luckily I saw in time that he already had a name! He is called Edward Warmheart, as you can see under his foot and I’m really happy he has become a member of our family!

I was thinking the other day that maybe I have too many negative posts on my blog. The problem is that it’s always easier to write about the bad things. Maybe the teddy bear episodes bring some light into my blog, silly as it may be.

I just looked at the university catalogues for information for my literature essay which I still have to write, but I didn’t find anything. I really must go to the library and copy some chapters over there; the only problem is that I don’t have the time to do this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to solve this. I don’t really have anything else to tell right now, so I’m off to bed.


03 December 2006

Christina Aguilera - Back to Basics Tour -

Tonight I went to the concert of Christina Aguilera together with my friend in Ahoy in Rotterdam. It was a wonderful show! I know this video is of a low quality, but it let's you see how wonderfully she can sing and this is my favourite song of her CD. If you want to see other songs as well, just search for Christina Aguilera Back to Basics on YouTube and you'll find many more. I had a great evening!

Profile for charda